I might be learning..

So I spent alot of time at the end of the year reading about, thinking about, exploring, talking about, and trying to learn about brokenness

So now that Im in Thailand and not trying to seek any understanding of brokenness I may have stumbled across a little bit.

If you were one of the many I asked to explain it to me then you know I get caught on words. I want exact definitions, I like literal interpretation(probably because straight forward is easier) So thats probably my biggest pitfall yet is also important because words have such real meaning

But anyways sooo I think I might be learning that I easily get confused with the difference between brokenness and well brokenness

I think its easy to think of brokenness in terms of being a reflection of or a response to painful stuff in our life .
But God uses Isaiah to speak of Brokenness in a different way I think...

" A Message from the high and towering God, who lives in Eternity, whose name is Holy:"I live in the high and holy places, but also with the low-spirited, the spirit-crushed,And what I do is put new spirit in them, get them up and on their feet again.For I'm not going to haul people into court endlessly, I'm not going to be angry forever.Otherwise, people would lose heart. These souls I created would tire out and give up.I was angry, good and angry, because of Israel's sins. I struck him hard and turned away in anger, while he kept at his stubborn, willful ways.When I looked again and saw what he was doing, I decided to heal him, lead him, and comfort him, creating a new language of praise for the mourners.Peace to the far-off, peace to the near-at-hand," says God— "and yes, I will heal them.But the wicked are storm-battered seas that can't quiet down. The waves stir up garbage and mud.There's no peace," God says, "for the wicked." " Isaiah 57:15-21

I think im learning that spiritual brokenness is a reflection of life given to humility, a contrite spirit, and an understanding that we are like cattle and oxen.. we are like brute beast before God unless we allow Him to break us.

Real brokenness is the comes with the acknowledgment that you are no longer your own; you have been bought with a price. when you yield yourself to God to be broken and formed into the image of Christ.
See how this plays out in the life of the prideful man who experiences true brokenness:

"All this happened to King Nebuchadnezzar. Just twelve months later, he was walking on the balcony of the royal palace in Babylon and boasted, "Look at this, Babylon the great! And I built it all by myself, a royal palace adequate to display my honor and glory!"
The words were no sooner out of his mouth than a voice out of heaven spoke, "This is the verdict on you, King Nebuchadnezzar: Your kingdom is taken from you. You will be driven out of human company and live with the wild animals. You will eat grass like an ox. The sentence is for seven seasons, enough time to learn that the High God rules human kingdoms and puts whomever he wishes in charge."
It happened at once. Nebuchadnezzar was driven out of human company, ate grass like an ox, and was soaked in heaven's dew. His hair grew like the feathers of an eagle and his nails like the claws of a hawk.
"At the end of the seven years, I, Nebuchadnezzar, looked to heaven. I was given my mind back and I blessed the High God, thanking and glorifying God, who lives forever:
"His sovereign rule lasts and lasts, his kingdom never declines and falls.Life on this earth doesn't add up to much, but God's heavenly army keeps everything going.No one can interrupt his work, no one can call his rule into question.
"At the same time that I was given back my mind, I was also given back my majesty and splendor, making my kingdom shine. All the leaders and important people came looking for me. I was reestablished as king in my kingdom and became greater than ever. And that's why I'm singing—I, Nebuchadnezzar—singing and praising the King of Heaven:
"Everything he does is right, and he does it the right way.He knows how to turn a proud person into a humble man or woman." "
Daniel 4:28-37

dude in this Ned is broken by God. His pride, his position, his self-worship... it's all broken And its replaced by praise to God for being broken by Him.



Thats totally different from Brokenness as a reflection of the bad stuff. That is not brokenness because of being broken by God, but because of dwelling in the pain of circumstances. This is not to say that God does not use circumstance to break prideful people, but sometimes maybe even often those of us who revel in our pain exhibit a pride in displaying just how broken we are! No one has been as hurt as badly as us. No one has endured the tragedies we have endured. In short, we create for ourselves an immunity to the very brokenness God desires to instill in us so long as we make an idol of our pain. To sustain the immunity we must always talk about it, wear it as a badge of honor, and retreat into it whenever anyone questions the need to dwell in the pain. Worse still, we use it to lessen guilt before the Lord. We refuse true brokenness and hold instead to the mire of our own making.
But thats not God's brokenness, its a fake that leads us away from real healing and growth in Christ. Dying to self means abandoning even our pain, no matter how great, to take on the image of the Savior. Only then can the scales drop from our eyes and we be raised up to stand in true brokenness before God.

Prayer Request.. today was probably the hardest day Ive ever experienced

It started off normally.. sitting doing stuff on the computer, hanging with the children, finishing up the work on the patio out back, lunch, errands around town, and then....

a girl came to the orphanage that had lived her in the past from age 11-16 (i think)... since leaving she has gotten married and had a child. she is now almost 19 and the child is a about a year and a half old. She weighs about 41 kilos.. so about 90 lbs soaking wet and has not had a period in 8 months due to most likely to malnutrition. she talked about not having food and no longer going to school very casually, even with a slight smile and laugh. She no longer lives in the area but was here to pick up papers proving she went to school until she was 16. she stopped by to say hi and to ask us to pray for her and to take her to the bus station...her husband is sending her there to work and send money back to him. we tried to convince her not to go, we tried to convince her even just to stay for a week.. but she would not have it.. so after finding anything in the house we could give her (my tooth paste, an extra toothbrush, baby powder, the last of my granola bars, some medicines, travel toilet paper, and a thai bible) we took her to the bus station... I met this girl today and still my heart pains for her, I have never had to do something so hard

please pray for this girl.. her name is Meow

Mathew 13:31-32
[Jesus] told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches."

Jesus said that he can take even a small amount of faith and make big things happen. I know… its true in my life, sitting typing this in Thailand is evidence to that. He takes our faith, like a small seed, and makes it grow. I think that is going to happen here in Thailand, here at this orphanage. The orphanage may seem small, and the Christian population here certainly is, just like a mustard seed. But remember with just a mustard seed God makes big things happen, and they will happen here, big things for his kingdom

Mathew 17:20
"… if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
I have faith, I do believe, I struggle sometimes, a lot of times, its hard to recognize God. Especially when looking at the hurt in a small child’s eyes, or when looking at the crippled beggar asleep on the sidewalk outside 7/11. But God is there, and God is near. I have faith. It may be small… really small at times, but God…
I have faith and I’m ready to move mountains!

Mom... Dad... Sorry

thai word pronounced pi-tdee yin-dee

means....

REJOICE!

Change of plans

Allright short and sweet.... no meeting with the governor today because of increased hostilities at the Thailand/Cambodia border however it was still a big day!


Not only is it Sam's birthday so we get to have a party but I also got to mop every floor in the building!



haha


but better then that we had a mother(Mak) and her 2 year old son(Mek) join us at the orphanage. She will be my new room-mate and will be able to provide a great deal of help around the orphanage with cooking and cleaning while the orphanage is able to provide the two safety from an abusive boyfriend.

The little boy is absolutely gorgious and full of tons of energy! I am proud to say that they have nick-named him Sparky after me.. aparently they think I have lots of energy.... I just think I am very ADD and get board! He is a handful just like me, though. They have been here for only a few hours so far and he has already made enemies with every family pet.. he is a little rough when he plays and likes to kick and stomp.

Mak does not speak English so rooming together will be interesting... I may take the avoidence technique tonight and let her get settles into bed while I shower and slip in later on.. We will see what happns over the next 2 weeks

Calling all angels!

This room belongs to 3 girls that are absolutely amazing wonderful children of God. They are Fern(9), Nam(12), and Mon(16). These three girls often share the responsibilities of watching over 7 month old baby Amanda, preparing breakfast for the other young kids, cooking dinner, and cleaning around the orphanage while still being students and kids themselves.


It has been put on my heart to buy these girls 2 small wardrobes, really just 2 small cabinets to put their clothes and belongings in. Each wardrobe only costs 2400 baht( a little less then $75) If I could get some individuals to commit to giving just 5 or 10 dollars each We could easily provides these girls with something very nice, something very needed, and something that would be very appreciated. Please let me know if you can help in any way, I already have 1 person willing to help and for that i am grateful!




These will be bought before I leave no matter how I get the money so any help would be so appreciated by myself and these girls!

As for what Ive been up to in the past few days: Ive been riding around with Roger taking lots of pictures to present to the Governor tomorrow to show where the city and the province of Buriram can be cleaned up and improved to promote tourism and help to boost the economy

And of course Ive been playing with the wonderful children here!

I will do a better update after the meeting tomorrow

tricky tricky Jesus

on Friday when I asked Roger what wed be doing today he said we would rest... I didnt want to i wanted to keep doing work so he said I could work on the website... Well Jesus decided to hold my laptop hostage and make it do mean things and turn off on its own

so needless to say no website work today... i did finish the grout work on the back patio, rake some after one of the older bows mowed the lawn and sweep out the front again but other then that it was play time with the little girls, making conterfit dragon ball z money with the boys, watching king kong with roger, and dancing alone in my room with Jesus... thanks Tori for teaching me that....

Today was much needed after yesterady. Yesterday I hit a wall. I have never been on mission for more then 10 days. and that 10th day has always been marked with exhuastion. yesterday was that day that day when you are so tired that you are just ready to leave. You dont really want to leave, you knwo you will miss the people you have met, but you are ready, it is time. Well; i didnt leave, but yesterday was still marked with exhaustion.

As my mother knows and many of my friends know exhaustion for me equates to easy frustration, grumpiness, and moodiness. Yeah thats still true in Thailand.. my parents experienced it talking to me last night, and for that I appologize!

Im thankful for this unwanted day of rest... I pray it will fuel me through what will be another rough sunday morning emerced in an all thai worship service

nap time = time to read and write

The great commission:
All Authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Sand and of the Holy Spirit , and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very and of the age. (Mathew 28:18-20)

Staple verse for any mission trip... heard it a hundred times over... focused on it for sure last summer in Gulfport, Mississippi.

but focused on ... go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Sand and of the Holy Spirit , and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you...

so here's what i noticed today....

I'm going to the nations.. check that one off.... but more importantly All Authority is in heaven and He is with me always, to the very end of the ages.. in Thailand and in the U.S. He is with me


the focus has moved... It has moved form the middle of the passage at either end...

All Authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me... And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. (Mathew 28:18-20)

And the focused has moved about 18 inches...

from head to heart

Its only about 2pm here... 3 am where the rest of you are, but today so far I have worked to clean up the front area some more.. hosed down all the tile and cleaned up from the dogs, shoveld sand, and layed the stones for the patio, taken a really really good shower, riden on the back of a motor bike, gone out to lunch with everyone, bought a really nice pair of pants for under 2.50 and uploaded videos to the internet.. tonight we will go see the floats for the parade tomorrow and hang out with the kids some more possibly help roger with a slide show for the meeting with the governer next week and finish formating the post card for the orphanage.... busy busy busy!

Rejoice

Tori Lane...I hope you haven't been checking this because you might have the right to smack me one good and hard... Tori do you know what I'm talking about?

I haven't said anything about being anxious but it does have to do with that verse...

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord, I will say it again: Rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all. THE LORD IS NEAR. Do not be anxious about anything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Amen Amen Amen

Rejoice the Lord is near.

I really don't need to say more, but I will (i like to practice my English) have you looked at the pictures, have you watched the videos from here?

Rejoice the Lord is near.

In the sweet songs of Toy and Ton or in the squeals of laughter from Eileen the Lord is near
In a peaceful smile from Mon or a curious glance from Fern the Lord is near

I will say it again: the Lord is near!

I am surrounded by reminders Ive been overlooking

The Playful dance of baby Amanda and the shots of a young boy for his new dog are reminders. The eyes of a man welling with tears after watching a video of his children is a reminder

Rejoice: the Lord is near. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

soooo i didnt shovel sand today

Instead of shoveling sand today i made a movie to promote the orphanage...

... then I got to talk to and see my parents on the web cam...

Another good day!

getting in the grove now :-)

Ill have more to say tomorrow Im already up later than Ive been sense I got here

A good day

Today was a good day....

It started out with a conversation online with the folks.. so good to instant message with them... I miss you guys.. mom stop crying.. dad get those brownies ready! I miss food that is not rice :-)

next avery cute girl Toy asked me to do her buttons for her... that is the sweetest game of sherades to play with a child firsst thing in the morning! Im getting a little better at figuring out what the little ones are murmering in Thai.. Well anyways after children are clothed and fed we pile everyone in the truck and run kids to various schools like usual. Then we visited several of Rogers friends before decideing to paint the front room. This is what made my day so great.

An answered prayer that I might feel more productive. I struggle a great deal to see the impact of relational work, I knwo it is important, but I also know that I only get to be present in this relationship for 3 more weeks. The tangible evidence of a hard days work is good. It makes me feel as if the work I am doing here matters. Even though its just a good coat of paint and some cleaning it makes me feel as though Ive done something to better their lives beyond a smile today and tears on the day I leave.
BEFORE:

Tomorrow will begin another project to meet my selfish needs of tangible evidence. Tomorrow I begin shoveling a one thousand pound pile of sand to lay foundation to a patio and then lay bricks... This will probably last the duration of my trip but I am determined to complete t before i leave.. and I will.

It is great that I can have these tangible projects that meet physiological needs while also being able to tend to the kids and just love on them. The kids are in school right now so from the time we drop them off around 8am until about 3pm i can work and sweat to meet their needs and mine and from the time they come home until they go to sleep I can play, facilitate homework and dinner and play some more

well thats itfor tonight my brain is fried from painting and moving furniture all day. I appologize for the ramble

a little bit about what I do

ok so my main responsibility is to play with toy ton and Eileen while they are home. but all the kids are in school right now so during the day I am publishing videos and photos to the Internet, as well as setting up myspace, facebook, geocities, etc pages for the orphanage( i never thought those computer programing classes at school would be good for anything!) I have also spent some time picking up trash in the side yard(the playground/ bike riding area). Today I picked up and cleaned the front yard/ carport.. looks much much better... the car can fit all the way in ow which mean they can close the front gate to the property at night now. Every night after dinner I clean up the dinning room which is a chore! last night there was dog poo and a baby diaper under the table after dinner plus lots of food and dirt... here shoes aren't worn in the house and kids don't wear them much at all so all sorts of stuff is dragged around. I'm beginning to work on cleaning up one area a day (started today with the front yard) and ill continue that daily until I leave.. Ill be able to do some of the areas twice which will be good for those that get dirty faster. lets see what else have I done... I go with roger to take the kids and pick up the kids from their various schools. they go to 4 or 5 different schools right now but next year will only be at 1 or 2. Attendance at public schools in Buri Ram is free to those who can afford it and all students must wear uniforms and kids must keep their hair cut short. This is important to cut down on lice epidemics. Eileen is the only child n the house that goes to private school so she is the one running around with beautiful long hair( if you can afford private school you are expected to be able to afford lice shampoo) She will have to cut her hair next year when she moves schools. I may get to learn to cook a little but 2 of the girls at the orphanage are normally expected to do so. Twice a week I also go with Roger to the Rajabhat Buri Ram University and assist him in teaching a conversational English class to Grad Students, Professors, and University Staff. On the 22nd I will be attended a conference at a hotel in Buri Ram conducted by the Buri Ram Tourist Police where we will be able to discuss ways of opening the city up better to tourism and helping to prevent sex-tourism. Completion of the conference will make me a volunteer tourism police officer and I believe even provide me with a Thai ID card. At some point before I leave I will also add to the mural that is constantly growing ass volunteers come to TOLO... I think my contribution my be a butterfly in the dinning room.

Roger has been constantly talking to me about the needs of the orphanage just simply to operate and it is incredible how they are able to operate. The monthly budget is 2000 dollars and that provides for 13 full time kids 9 weekend kids 1 handicapped boy that lives in town plus the operation costs of the orphanage. And that's with gas at 6.50 a gallon or more. Roger has talked about how difficult it is to receive enough donations to run on such a minimal budget and it frustrates me. I now that I don't spend my money near as wisely as I should and I will definitely be praying about how to better spend it... I am growing very used to rice for breakfast lunch and dinner and so maybe some of the money I spend on food now can head towards feeding these children. Just something to think about... especially with 3 new children on the way and possibly 2 more on top of that.

7.13.2008

Ok this is my last post about being lonely, and then I am moving on... moving my focus back to what is most important... moving back to God and the work he is doing herre in Buriram.

This trip continues to be much harder than I had expected. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness adds injury to insult. Not only do I feel separated and cut off from friends and family, but I feel completely separated from God as well. I hope, pray, expect, and praise God in advance for the moment He find a way to draw me back to Him. It is easy at home to plan ones life away and prevent miracles, but here I have nothing to plan, nothing to expect, and nothing to anticipate. God, I have nothing under control, I have no plan. I’m simply waiting.

Church today was beautiful and painful at the same time. A crowd of no more than 40 or 50 people gathered together in what could only be described as a garage. Church begins at 9:30 am and continues on until about 8pm every Sunday. Roger the man that founded the orphanage and I only stayed until about 11:30… the entire thing is in Thai and so it is difficult for him to follow and I don’t know a lick of Thai so I just sit and think. Leaving early provided me a much needed break. While sitting in the service for just a short time I observed completely impoverished individuals with their holy hand lifted high. They praised rejoiced and begged for mercy. These individuals know the power and the mercy of God more than I think I ever will. They live in such a state that it is only by full reliance on God, and His provision for us, that brings them through. These people live lives that allow for God to work miracles. They pray for miracles and expect them.

It was so beautiful to see the faith these individuals had. It makes my heart yearn for a faith even a fragment of the size of theirs. Witnessing their closeness and their reliance on God pierces my yearning heart reminding me of my need and my desperation for God.

God must be growing me in this. He is faithful in this. He will strengthen me in this. He will protect me in this. Now I'm simply waiting

7.12.2008

It has been difficult being here. There is no one for me to talk to or to lean on here; only God, and I’m not doing a very good job of that. I need Him to help me with that… I guess that’s one reason I’m here. I thought before that I was lonely… well I was wrong, the orphanage took in 4 girls tonight that are in town from Bangkok to help plant a church tomorrow. The girls are sharing my room. It creates an ever growing feeling of loneliness. I’m sharing a room with 4 sisters in Christ, sisters that are evidently doing the work of Lord and yet it is silent. Every now and then hushed whispers of Thai float from one bed to another, none directed to me. I don’t know much Thai but I can smile and gesture just fine. I don’t know if they’ll be back tomorrow, but I do know this is hard.

I trust the Lord is in this, but even so it is a struggle

I have finally arrived

I thought I had been exposed to poverty on other mission trips, and I have… but none like this. In the past it has been: Andros Island where their homes made of wood were run down rotten and dirty, needing cleaning and new plywood. Pittsburg where level floors and new coats of paint and repaired drywall were large concerns. And Newark, where the need was for us to scrape paint and add new paint, but largely to love for children.

Here they carry everything in old grocery bags or used cardboard boxes. Every old train car has been turned into a home, and old tour buses serve as apartment complexes. Plywood homes are built on stilts over stagnant water green with algae and congested with trash. Barefooted children walk through the streets to “train stations” that are little more then slabs of concrete next to the tracks. Women spend all day passing the isle of the train in attempts to sell what they grown, cooked, or made.

No none of the poverty I have seen is quite like this.

I arrived here at the orphanage late in the evening after the kids had eaten and begun to quite down for the evening, but food was left out for me.. They were nice to me a Farang (spelling?.. means foreigner).. they left me fried rice.. something not spicey, they will help me work my way into the spicey food this week. The first children I met were three little girls (4,5, and 5 years old) Ilene who has gorgeous long hair which signifies she is in private school and then two beautiful girls with short hair like all the girls in public school I have not learned both there names, but one is toy she is the 4 year old. They spent the evening showing off singing songs and rhymes. Roger began to tell me about the children and his work here the orphanage is almost 10 years old and right now there are 13 children living in the house and 6 that come in for the weekend, they also support one handicapped child in town and a school of 121 more students. The youngest they care for is 7 months (she will be my biggest responsibility while I am here) and the oldest is 23 and goes to university.

Roger is an amazing man of God. His love for these children is indescribable he listed off every child how old they were where they were from and their birthdays as if he were the orphanages database. He told me first of Ilene who is now 5. She came to the orphanage when she was 28 days old. Her mother was given the choice of keeping her or marrying a man she had been seeing… she chose the man who then infected her with aids. When Ilene came to the orphanage she had never been bathed and still had afterbirth in her hair. She was the youngest for several years but now with the arrival of the two other kindergarteners and baby Amanda she gets to be a big sister and be the teacher when they play school. As of now she dreams to be a teacher when she grows up.. that may change as it does with most kids. The two other young girls are sisters brought to the orphanage by their mother who gave them up to flee from their father who set their house on fire.

I will tell you more of their stories as I learn them

As for the travel.. uhg it took forever! on top of 26 hours of flying a lay over I impatiently waited at a very very nice hotel then in 2 hours of traffi to travel 20 miles to the train station where I waited for a train that took an hour longer to get to Buri Ram than expected. Oh and while waiting at the train station I paid to use the restroom... no one told me toilet paper cost extra haha thatwas an experience. My deoderent broke lol and so did my camera :-( but... have no fear I bought a new one that I wil use while Im here and then be able to leave for the orphanage to use as they watch these beautiful children grow up. speaking of pictures Ive uploaded the ones from the trip to bangkok already and will soon upload pictures from the train and once I take some here they will go up as well

I love you all and I miss my hugs... Im still waiting for my first one here

mom.. email me when you are back in VB and we will set up a time to talk on aim :-)

Urgent!

This is urgent... Time--> it's urgent, it's a precious thing. Seldom is a day of my life not carefully planned out. Even my days off of work are 34 hour blocks of time for me to conquer. After all planning my time off is a way to be sure I maximize my free time. I pride myself on getting a lot done i a day's work. I'm obsessed with efficiency. I stand in line and think of ways I could reschedule my day so things could be done quicker. Yes, when it comes to time, I'm the epitome of American.

It is hard to leave that sense of Urgency at home with you all. But I know I must or this trip will not be as successful as it could be. If I try to schedule and control everything I will overstep new boundaries. I don't want to try and make everything happen right away and miss what may have unfolded, I don;t want to be judgemental of people in a more laid back country.

I need to focus on stepping back and reflecting rather than bring caught up in inspiration and zeal. While I'm letting go of my schedule and plans I need to also let go of attempts to be and thoughts of a missionary without flaws or blemishes. For every extra hour of preparation, for every extra characteristic someone may demand of a missionary. There will be thousands even millions possibly sidelined from mission work because they're to average, too real, to foolish. And as they sit attempting to become something unattainable the world continues to go to hell without Jesus

God's mission isn't contingent upon my plans and strategies, but I don't;t want to be sidelined for it. God remains on the throne and continues his redemptive work with or without my frantic sense o urgency

Sometimes I need reminding

So I haven't felt much anxiety about this trip at all until now... Until the past two days. And when I feel anxious... I feel real anxious. But tonight or I guess its morning now I was just trying to ease some nerves and dive into the word and I found a piece on the verse Romans 12:s....

"Return Unto Me

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2

Return to Me; for I have sought after you, but you have continued on in pursuit of your own ways. I have called to you, but you have disregarded Me. I have placed obstacles in your path, hoping that you would stop and consider and ask of Me, but you have obstinately and determinedly forged on ahead.

Have you learned no wisdom? Have past lessons fled your mind? Are My dealings with you forgotten?

O stubborn and rebellious child, has My love no longer the power to melt your heart? Have my words that you once so treasured become of no value to you?

Put down your anxieties, and trust Me for everything. You need nothing but what I am fully able to supply; with no effort on your part. I do not ask all My children to live in so complete a degree of trust, but I require it of you, because you cannot please Me with anything less.

You are weary; and you should be strong. You are encumbered, and I would have you free. You are hindered by undue concerns, when you should be abounding in joy.

Come back into My perfect will, and finish the task I have assigned you. Anything else is sin. What may be legitimate for another is not so for you.

Come close to Me, and I will minister to you and revive your spirit. So shall you go on, even though the climb is steeper than ever before."




God, I trust you. Remind me daily that I trust you. I need nothing more than you. Help me lean on and depend on you this month. allow me to put down my anxieties Lord, lift them from me. Remind me that its not of my own effort that I accomplish anything in this time. Lord it is you working in me that allows me to accomplish anything. Give me strength, set me free, fill my heart with abounding joy. Show me your will and draw me close to you, make my task clear and guide me in my pursuit of it. Minister to me and revive my spirit so that I may be more effective in serving you.

Lord, I have faith... let's move mountains

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies...

I need to thank you ladies for coming over tonight. (kellie consider this your shot out) It means so much to me that you would all take time from your schedules to be present, to sit, relax, eat, talk, laugh, joke, stress me out, throw food, eat more, listen, rejoice, pray, cut hair, hug, cuddle, hope, and love.

It is often difficult to see God and feel God, but your prescience makes it impossible to question, you are all evidence of His provision in my life. He has brought me to a place where I can find comfort, guidance, support, love, and joy... a place where I can find friends that will wipe away a tear, give a hug, open a home, share a word of encouragement and then... point me back to Him.

I know it will be difficult to feel so cut off from my friends and family while I am gone, but as several of you said and as several of you prayed; this will be a time for me to draw nearer to God. A time for me to learn to turn to Him to wipe my tears and hold me close, a time to learn to turn to Him first, turn to Him before I turn to you all for comfort. A time to learn to lean on and trust in God first and fore most.

Thank you ladies, Thank you for sending me off refreshed, thank you for letting me share the concerns I had hidden form myself, thank you for letting it be OK to have concerns, thank you for letting me reach that point of "oh crap I'm going to Thailand" and thank you even more for teaching me that "oh" is all I need to say and the rest is outside the realm of God and his plan and provision for my life.

I love all you ladies, You are all wonderful women of God whom I respect and adore. Thank you for being women in my life that I can look up to, relate with, and learn from, thank you for letting me be the tag along kid that wants to be just like you big kids.

As for the rest of you.. shame for not being here! I'm just kidding.. that would have been a lot of food for someone (that was not me) to cook for dinner.

But seriously I love all of you and Ill miss you but hey Ill be back in a month.

And mom please stop crying. I'm not going to Thailand to stay. Ill talk to you just as much as I do while I'm away at school. Just think of it like that... I'm at school and I'll be home to do laundry, eat your meatloaf and steal food from your pantry soon. I love you so much, but really stop crying because just thinking of you crying makes me tear up and I cant be doing that while sitting next to random strangers on the plane.

Dad.. give mom her teddy bear and give her hugs like I do when she does cry. And have a movie and a smiley face brownie waiting for me when I get home in august :-) I love you dad. thanks for all the coffee dates and for still letting me hold your pinkie when we walk.

Ill start posting again when I leave on Tuesday... Ill have plenty of time to think and write while I'm flying and riding around the world